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What kind of child is a good boy?
What kind of child is the so-called good boy? Every parent has a definition of a good child. Today, the Chinese and foreign toy network Xiaobian is based on the speech of a Japanese education expert. What is a good child, a difficult child or a bad child?
When I raised this question at the lecture venue and handed the microphone to the mother on the scene, I often heard the following answers—intimate children, obedient and honest children, cheerful children, and children who are polite to greet others... ....Wait.
Indeed, "living, vitality, integrity" is the basic answer in the minds of many adults. The world often sees these qualities as a "good boy" element.
Next, I will ask again—what do you need to have when a child becomes an adult? Similarly, the mother will put forward various opinions, such as communication ability, challenge spirit, resilience not easy to give up, organized thinking ability, ability to find problems, ability to solve problems, etc. Many business books mention this ability, which is also a very important ability as a modern person, which can be collectively referred to as "the ability to survive."
However, you do not feel that the conditions of being a good boy and the necessary viability of becoming an adult, there seems to be a big gap between the two? The conditions mentioned for being a good child seem to be based on the good children or the children of good education in the eyes of adults. But is that really a good boy?
The child was originally a disobedient creature. The ability to observe and observe the color is equal to zero, the personality is self-willed, and if you don't follow his intentions, you will lose your temper. When you are crying, you will want to be spoiled.... These are the very natural appearances of the children.
Especially for boys, the characteristics of this aspect are more obvious. The performance of naughty ghosts or sluts is his natural appearance.
Good children must be careful!
From another point of view, once a good boy is crowned with an established impression of being well taught to his parents, he will not be able to present the most authentic appearance, that is, the so-called "unnatural child." I don't want to scare everyone. It is said that the younger the child is called a "good boy", the easier it is to behave after puberty.
For example, when a teenager is committing an incredibly fierce crime, the news media often makes such an annotation: "I can't believe it! He is a "good boy" recognized by people near his home....." Many experts also said that even if he did not make fierce crimes, the more he was praised as a "good boy" when he was young, the more likely he would refuse to go to school, stay at home, behave improperly, resist excessively, and grow up. Emotional runaway and other problematic behaviors.
Why is the better a child, the more likely it is to have problems when grown up?
Since I was a child, I have been given the impression that I am very good at teaching parents. Children who have lost their original appearance continue to play the role of "good boy" in the process of growing up. Under the habit of having developed the primary task of not disturbing parents, we can only hide our nature and continue to endure. For parents, it has long been recognized that my child is a "good boy", so there is no chance to detect the child's nature.
Therefore, in order to meet the expectations of parents and the real nature of their own saws, and a great gap in adolescence. This is the same principle as the earthquake. When the elastic wave of the plate is larger, it is more likely to cause a large earthquake. From the childhood, the elastic wave that began to accumulate, and finally reached a big earthquake in adolescence! Adolescence is a period of doubt about the values ​​of parents who are convinced of their originality and constructing their own unique values. When the gap between the values ​​of parents and self-values ​​is greater, it is more prone to adolescent-specific problem behaviors or resistance behaviors.
However, in today's society, there is a common belief that "the naughty ghost" or "the gangster" that is developed according to the child's original appearance will be considered by the adults to be "worried" and "unnatural children who are expected to meet the expectations of adults" "It is a good boy." "Naughty Ghost" or "The Rascal" does not have room to survive. Parents who are guardians seem to feel that there is no light on their faces!
As a mother, there seems to be a lot of confusion or doubt about the "cultivating son"! There are many best-selling books on the "Boy's Parenting Law" in the market. Every book strongly urges parents to "make boys a real man!" But unfortunately, real life is full of atmospheres that are not easy to raise boys.
In the world of childcare or education, there is a special term for "boy problem", in which "the recent girls are more energetic, the boys are less energetic," or "there will be problems such as refusing to go to school or home after puberty." Those boys are more common..." These comments are collectively referred to as "boy problems." Special topics such as children's psychology or education are also frequently discussed.
Japan's "Children's Psychology" magazine (March 2008) has done a special series on "The Boys Problem." Professor Shinjiro Erlang of the University of Tsukuba did the following in his article: From a young age, parents are prohibited from quarreling and executing. When participating in the "first experience of the park" in the "first parent-child activity", parents will get different evaluations due to their behavior. Therefore, parents should always pay attention to whether the child is disciplined and polite, especially forbidding disputes such as quarrels or fights. The girl's DNA can conform to such a parenting environment, but the boy's DNA gradually shrinks from then on.
As a result, the boy could not develop the male DNA from an early age, and in the "adolescent sprint period" of the national school girl, he almost fell into a state of being "deprived." If you have a strong mother at home, the boy is equal to the "state of being castrated." Therefore, a boy who does not feel the "will to live or desire", or a boy who is always timid, has become more and more like this.
Being a man should take on social obligations, not just taking care of your family. But to be honest, if a man is "castrated" by a family, a region or a school, and is subject to a woman, can he still fulfill these obligations?
"When a man is hard..." Do you feel this way too? Parents who have sons must also understand that the current situation is like this!
More than "good boy", "survival ability" is more important
The so-called raising children is to cultivate the child as an independent individual, so that the child has the ability to survive into the society. However, today's social atmosphere often requires children to be "good children" rather than having sufficient "survival ability". When a child is depressed in his early years, he is only required to be a "good boy", causing him to encounter challenges such as "cultivating viability!"
Things like "survival ability" are not cultivated at the desk of the school. It was originally a child's innate trait. Therefore, whether they are children born in the Alaska Ice Sheet, children on the African savannah, children thousands of meters high in the Himalayas, or even children on the South Pacific island, they can laugh, grow and survive. The ability to live a strong life.
It is reasonable to say that after 4 or 5 years old, when the mother said, "Occasionally, I want to play the piano. I will finish the writing practice before this!" The immediate answer to the "Yes!" obedient child, there should be very few in this world. . However, as the whole society over-requires young children to be "good children" and then deprives them of their inherent "survival ability", the result is sighing: "Now children are generally lacking in survivability!" This is not the fault of the child, but the result of the parents! Generally speaking, "naughty ghosts" or "fucky ghosts" who are regarded as "brain-threatening" are more "survival"!
Therefore, mothers who have "naughty ghosts" or "pranksters" have more confidence in themselves - "There is nothing wrong with your own education!"
If you can get satisfaction, your attitude will be softer.
Fortunately, some adults will smile and face these "naughty ghosts" or "tricks."
However, when the children in the bus or the MRT are witnessing the uncontrollable babies, most people will look at them with ruthlessness and even hear some sarcasm: "I don't know how she teaches children. ......" The phrase "teaching children" sounds heavy.
Originally, children have a so-called "all-round feeling" from the beginning of their newborn life. Especially children before the age of 3 will have a strong desire to express themselves. We call it "expressing ourselves." In short, as mentioned above, the child was originally self-willed, and it is the only routine to "do it if you want to do it." However, if this progresses, it will not be able to adapt to this society. Therefore, children need to be "educated." However, what is disturbing is that there are two concepts in this society that run counter to each other.
One is to advocate "the old saying "Jiangshan is easy to change, the nature is difficult to move". If you do not strictly discipline before the age of 3, he will become a wayward and arrogant person in the future." Faced with children about 2 or 3 years old, self Consciousness sprouts, begins to advocate the first period of self-resistance, must severely rebuke the upbringing, restrain the essence of that waywardness, and then teach the "good boy" ("Jiangshan easy to change, nature is difficult to move" originally meant, refers to people and students All the temperament.........
The other advocates that "as long as the parents or the adults around them care for the child and satisfy the child's willfulness, the child will naturally break away from the period of resistance. By the age of 6, there is almost no need to severely rebuke the child!"
The views of these two "educational theories" are quite different.
No matter which point of view, you need to look at the timing or occasion, it is important to maintain a balance that is not biased. However, in my personal experience, I support the latter.
Sometimes when I am young, I still like to talk big, be arrogant, and brag about myself, such a poor personality, Ogisang, I will hear many people say, "If the child does not strictly discipline, he will eliminate his arrogance from an early age. The arrogance, growing up will be like this..."
I think: "Although the nature of the arbitrariness of the parties has been eradicated very early, the subconscious mind that wants to pursue self-esteem or exaggerate oneself is only suppressed. After all, can it not suppress the consciousness of arrogance and arrogance?"
On the other hand, there are people who directly indicate "I am a child, who is being favored.".
This kind of person feels gentle and soft, giving a sense of stability that will not sway inside. I think this is because "he is fully satisfied with the nature of his waywardness. When he grows up, he will not be arrogant and arrogant, and he will be comfortable!"
"educational mode"
If there is two ways to change the "education" in Japanese into Chinese characters, one is "Shi Fu" and the other is "躾". The so-called "Shi Fu" is like the tailor's "Shi Fu" (dressing line), which means "pressing". The so-called "躾" is what is the result of "making people better".
These two ways of writing can justify two different "cultivation theories."
I think that the so-called upbringing is not to suppress the child's original appearance, but to enhance the "self-identity" of "I am great!" and cultivate the desire to "achieve a good self."
In particular, in the face of a boy who is born with a talent and whose energy is like a "naughty ghost" or "a gangster" who doubles the number of people, it is only futile to suppress his original appearance. I think it's best not to waste his innate talents or strengths, and skillfully transform the parenting model so that he can generate a sense of "self-identity."
Starting from the next chapter, I will continue to elaborate on this concept of parenting and teach you how to change your mind and turn the shortcomings of feeling "difficult" into "survival".
The young people today lack vitality and introversion. Especially the boys will be detained as "grass-eating men", which are the result of being suppressed by this social atmosphere from an early age. Even in such a hostile environment, a boy who can continue to be a naughty ghost or a gangster can do much!
That is to say, those who can compete with the social atmosphere or the unfriendly world in the future are not good children in the eyes of ordinary people, but rather naughty or gangsters who are said to be fast-killing.